I think I beat myself up the most. I tried to keep up and be normal so much. I had zero self compassion, especially after being treated poorly.
Now that I am an adult, I know it must have been tough for people to grasp even just a little of what I was going though. I looked normal, but I was far from healthy. That's invisible illness. I didn't know how to explain my complex situation to others. I was overwhelmed. I was so deep into depression that I couldn't help others to know how to help me. I understand this now.
There were a few people who were there in my corner. I am so thankful for them. They didn't give up on me. I know they felt helpless and worn down by watching me suffer. I have also been in that position and I know it's frustrating. Patience is required on both ends.
A few of the best ways someone can help a loved one going through depression is to listen to understand, and never give up on them. Simple things.
Let's talk about suicide for a moment.
I just wanted relief from the emotional and physical pain. I never wanted my life to end. I wanted the suffering to end. I wanted acceptance, understanding, validation, and care. That's all.
Depression takes lives. I am hit hard when I read or hear of suicides. I know those people were in pain. I know I could have been one of them. It hits home. It's sobering for me.
Anyway, I went through psychotherapy and tried medications. Therapy helped me the most! I wish everyone could have a therapist.
I dealt with MDD on and off for years since the injury.
:: 2013 ::
Well my husband and I got married in 2012 and things seemed to go well for us. He was set to be deployed and I was feeling prepared for that.
Then my grandma died on my birthday which was two days before Tony deployed. I had dealt with death before but this was a harder one. That side of my family was in turmoil and this was a tough time to watch my dad go through everything he did. This was very tough on my family.
I coped through deployment though pretty well, and stayed busy.
:: 2014 ::
I was about to graduate with my BS when we were hit hard.
The day before my birthday, my god brother (I just call him my big bro) died suddenly. I never said bye, and I was just shocked. Sometimes I still don't believe it.
Then a few weeks later as I was preparing do be with my family for my brothers memorial, my mother in law died from her battle with cancer (Renal Cell Carcinoma).
So while I was at my brothers memorial, Tony was at his moms memorial and gathering her things in other state.
Sadly we were judged for this decision, but it was what was best for us.
The next year and a half I went through my grad program which was a distraction from my grieving process and my need to figure out my health.
:: 2015 ::
After I graduated from my grad program I needed a break. Tony had just got done with sea duty for the Navy, and I was finally going to get some time with him after all the years of going through deployments, and distance. We wanted to have kids.
But since we had nearly 10 people close to us die in the years prior, I was depressed and run ragged.
Then my grandparents health on my moms side declined fast in August. I flew to be with them.
They both passed within three weeks of each other at the end of this year, and I couldn't take any more death. Especially with the way my grandma died. Her death was partially preventable as she was neglected and abused by the facility she was at and her doctor. My grandpa as well, but not like my grandma.
I was DONE. I was extremely depressed. The grief was overwhelming to say the least.
I knew the signs of major depression, and knew I needed help. I could barely move. I slept so much, but felt extreme fatigue that never went away. I cried a lot. I had no drive. I was not myself. My heart hurt.
My Signs of MDD
(dependent on the person)
I reached out to one of my professors from grad school and she knew of a psychotherapist.
This was one of the best decisions I have ever made. My psychotherapist has been a great fit for me. I had been through EMDR for years with her, and she has given me lots of tool and resources. I appreciate her holistic approach paired with a western approach as well. She gets me!
:: 2019 ::
Eventually I added a psychiatrist and I started Trinillex. I needed a boost.
Let me repeat that. I NEEDED it, not wanted.
This has been helpful for me even though I wanted to heal without medication. My goal for years has been to gain a stronger foundation of a lot of tools to see how I do without a medication. Of course, if I am a hot mess, then I am not opposed to medication for me to live my best quality of life.
Just know that everyone's process is different as well. What works or doesn't work for me, may or may not work for you. Also your depression may look different and manifest in different ways.
:: 2020 ::
Today I consider myself in recovery and coping.
I have more motivation and a sense of purpose. I don't have meltdowns as much or cry nearly as much. I know being a HSP comes with the territory or being empathetic and feeling heavily, but it's ice to not cry over everything. I am able to participate more.
I know I can relapse and I am at higher risk of post-pardum depression if we have children, but I am confident in my tools and resources as well as my health support team.
CBT :: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy
Check back soon!
MDD :: Major Depressive Disorder
:: 2001 - 2002 ::
After the neck injury, I developed Major Depressive Disorder for the first time.
The emotional damage was far worse than the injury in my case.
I was only a freshman in high school and just trying to figure out how to be a teen and fit in.
I also was trying to cope with the fact that my life had just suddenly stopped and I had to relearn normal mobility over the course of a few months.
During the few years after, I felt very alone. People don't really know that what they say can really hurt others. I remember so much.
"You're faking it"
"You look fine"
"You're trying to get attention"
"She has problems"
Loss of interest
"I'm a problem"
Fatigue and body pain
No love in the world helped
Heightened emotions (paired with being a HSP was even worse)
Being distant and isolated with people
- for me it was fears of being misunderstood and not being supported and treated poorly as I had been
Concentration Issues and Brain fog
- I already had PTSD and GAD so this was a big anxious party
Feeling and not feeling at the same time
"I'm a burden"
No motivation or drive